Beauty in the Love of a Pet

My first blog post is in loving memory of my first baby, MiaKoda.

A little back story about my MiaKoda. When I graduated high school I wanted to get a dog. My mom told me not to, but I wanted a companion to snuggle with. I always wanted a husky because they are so beautiful and that fur! At the time, my aunt knew a family selling puppies. She was not sure of the breed, but said she thought it might be part husky. Immediately I was sold and set up to meet and get my puppy.

She was small and mostly black with light brown colors. At this time I realized that I don’t think she is a husky, but as soon as she came up to me, I knew that she was the one. I brought her home and was so excited. My whole heart felt complete.

She and I went through so much together over the years. I moved out and got my first apartment with my best friend and Koda was right there with me. She was the greatest comfort I could have had moving out on my own for the first time. When I had my first child she was there and loved him so much. A memory that I will always keep close to my heart is when my son was very little, couldn’t have even been a year old yet, my sister brought a guy around that we had not met and my mom was holding my son. My dog loves people and runs up to everyone excited. However, this particular day was a bit different, as soon as he came in the door Koda went straight to my mom and stood in front of her and my son. I never heard her growl at anyone until this moment, but her hair was raised and she was not letting him get anywhere near them. She let the poor guy leave the room in one piece, but I was a proud mama to have such a protector for my child.

As the years went on, I found myself in situations that made it hard to have a dog. I lived in an apartment that had a ridiculous pet fee and I already had two children and was barely making it by. I decided to leave her with my mom and sister, thankfully they had a place she could stay and they were willing to keep her there. I knew it was the best thing for her because they had a large yard and Koda loved to run. I still got to see her any time I went there and ultimately I was happy with the decision.

I visited often at first, but again life happened and I was finding it harder to make the trip. I was missing out on seeing my family and Koda. When I did visit it became hard to love on her for more than a minute because I was so ashamed for not being able to keep her with me. I blamed myself for not being able to have a house that I could have her in. I did not feel like the dog mom I should have been.

Eventually, I started to realize that she and my mom were creating a bond. It was hard because I missed the bond that I had with her, but I also knew my mom needed it. I couldn’t deny that no one could make you feel as good as Koda did, I felt that comfort for a long time. I still loved Koda so much, but I found comfort in the bond they were creating.

Now, fast forward a couple of years and I have decided to create a blog. This was a couple of weeks ago. I was having such a good week and was playing with the website and how I wanted it to look. I thought about what I would want to post about for my first post and had a few ideas. As usual, life got in the way and I struggled to want to write or post anything the following week. I struggled to get out of bed, go to work, cook dinner, even just to smile.

By Friday, I was starting to feel a bit more normal. I woke up feeling good and felt like it was going to be a good day. I started therapy a few months ago, which I will discuss in a future post, and I go every Friday. This morning was no different, one thing I talked about was how worried I was about Koda because I knew my mom and sister were taking her to the vet today. She had been limping for a couple of weeks. At first, it was a slight limp and we all thought maybe she sprained it. As time went on, it got worse and she stopped walking on it altogether. At this time my mom noticed that a large knot had developed on her shoulder. This was when they made the vet appointment. I talked about some of the pain I was still feeling for not being able to have her and take care of her. My therapist reminded me that I was there for her by deciding to keep her in a place where ultimately she was happier because she had a place to run and was still so loved. As the day progressed I was getting a lot of cleaning done and laundry and the kids were having a good day.

Then the call I was not expecting or prepared for… my sweet baby girl has a very aggressive cancer and needs to be put to sleep.

I can’t fully describe what was going through my head. I was an hour and a half away, and the vet was recommending it be done within 24 hrs. It was already late on Friday afternoon. That’s when it hit me that I was not going to make it there to see her and run my fingers through her fur one last time. I asked my mom to video call me so I could see her and tell her how much I loved her and am going to miss her.

My children didn’t know what to think. I was home alone with them, and here I was crying and telling my dog how much I loved her. I tried explaining to my oldest what was happening so he wouldn’t get worried about me. My daughter was right there touching my hand and my shoulder telling me it was okay and not to cry. I was not sure how I was going to do it, but I knew I needed to pull myself together. Then my son said something that made me such a proud mama, he told my daughter that “it’s okay for her to cry, she is sad about Koda.” I broke down and my kids let me and didn’t leave my side.

Sometimes it’s hard for me to even remember that it’s okay to cry and sometimes we need to. MiaKoda was the greatest pet I could have asked for. She was there for me when I needed her the most and I will never forget her. The beauty of her spirit will stay with everyone who ever had the chance to meet her. I will miss her, but I cherish every moment I had with her. My life is more beautiful because of the pawprints she left in it.

I love you MiaKoda, you will always be Mommy’s sweet girl.